I hate sundays, I always end up sad by the end of the day. I decided last night I was gonna start restricting my food again. Ive gained a pound and I can see myslef gaining more if I dont get a grip. I think I dont feel in control of anything in my life exept this website and my body, so its easier to restrict and see the pounds come off again. Then I know something that I am in charge of. I feel really really empty today, and lonely. Maybe I need another ketamine treatment, maybe its already time. The nurse practitioner said its time for a maintnance one when I fell myself "falling back into a hole". What if I want to go into the hole, I feel like its beckoning to me. Something is comforting about suffering to me. Thats messed up but its true, I was in that stupid hole for so much of my life it feels like home. Maybe thats what Ill call it. I think I should just go to bed early tonight, but Im dreading school. I havent been doing any school work because I just dont want to, and I know its going to catch up with me. I dont know where I am mentally anymore.

Yesterday my mom asked me if ketamine therapy was worth it. I told her it was a loaded question. I feel different thats for sure, I just cant tell if its a good different or not. I dont feel as sad but I also dont feel as anything, if that makes sense. My emotions arent as hightened as they were. I think maybe I am better, but its hard to recognize because I havent felt steadily good in such a long time. Maybe I found comfort in the depression. Thats not a maybe, thats probably an absolute. My disordered eating has gotten much better which should make me happy but it worries me, my body issues still linger and I cant really tell if im "skinny" or not. Anyways, I felt fairly guilty that I didnt know how I felt. I know the ketamine therapy cost a lot for mom since insurance wouldnt cover it. I wish it wasnt so expensive to be mentally ill. Of course I wish I wasnt mentally ill in the first place, then we wouldnt even be here and I would just be a normal teenager. I dont know, I have a lot of thoughts I havent let myself think.

Happy New Year!! And what a new years eve it was. Got drunk with some friends, had a great time. Now that im fully here and sober in a new year, I dont really know how to feel. I expected something to feel different I dont know why. Maybe some miraculous change in attitude, maybe the ketamine therapy would kick in by now and Id feel so much better. The ketamine infusions are great, but the side effects really suck. Im tired and really moody, I am happy a little more, but when Im sad its like 100 times worse. I couldnt come up with a resolution for the New Year. I just want to be better all around, how I feel, how I act, how I look, I just dont know where to start. We will see what happens I guess.

My family has always celibrated christmas, and this year just didnt feel like it was building up to a real christmas. I remember as a child the excitement the night before, making it impossible to fall asleep. I didn't feel that last night, or this morning to be honest. My sister tried to get me out of bed but I didnt really want to. Im glad I did though, it ended up being pretty great opening presents with family. I got a couple things I needed, a new shoulder bag, water bottle, and a beanie. I also recieved some things I wanted, I got the books Lolita and Girl, Interupted which Im super excited to read. I got some gift cards which is always fun since I can pick and choose what Id like in store. Overall a good holiday, but I still feel a lingering dread for the new year and all the responsibilities it holds. I need to go back to school and work, its easy to forget about it while on break. Ill try to go in with a positive outlook but its pretty difficult. Ill just try to enjoy my new things for now.